GOVERNOR BUSH: Thank you. Please be seated. Several hours ago, the Pinelas Country Medical Examiner released his final report in the autopsy of Terri Schiavo. In light of its findings… today I... I... I just... (Sobs.)

Oh, look at me. (Blows Nose.) Poor, poor Terri's ultra-fulfilling days of blinking, drooling, and extruding soft-serve fertilizer into a Craftmatic adjustable mattress may have been cut tragically short twelve long weeks ago, yet even now, every time someone points a TV camera at me, it's still all I can do to keep from... from... (Plaintive Wailing.)

Can someone please get me a fresh hanky before my makeup starts to run? I'm on Hannity and Colmes right after this. Thank you so much. God bless you. (Dabs eyes.)

Really, I can't begin to express how much I miss Terri. Sure, I never met her, or her husband, or the doctors who treated her, but that didn't stop me and Tom DeLay and Bill Frist from

Get the GODLY New Book!

scrambling atop her doughy shell of a body, then using it as a pulpit from which to announce America's unconditional surrender to the Christian Taliban. Why, I can almost still feel her sweet autonomic twitching through the soles of… my… my Florsheim penny loafers. (Sobs.)

So you can understand how I'm a little reluctant to believe a report by some guy who hangs around corpses all day – especially when it supports the diagnoses of dozens of physicians who evaluated Terri's body when it was still rigged up to the smoothie machine. I mean, what makes them such experts? Why should we believe a bunch of geeks who wasted decades of their lives learning nonsense like biology and evolution instead of enrolling in a good six-month Bible College?

That is why, in the interest of preventing the kind of destructive social healing which might result from allowing this poor, pathetic creature to finally rest in peace, today I am putting the world on notice that I intend to do everything in my power to keep the Schiavo case (and me) on the front pages of newspapers all across America. Because while the vegetard herself may have died, that needn't mean my ability to exploit her has.

Sure, three quarters of Americans feel strongly that in Terri's case, we Republicans both overstepped our bounds and betrayed our core principles of government non-interference in private matters – but I will not be cowed. Because when it comes to ethics and ideology, anything goes so long as there are cheap political points to score with one's fanatical base of snake-juggling religious loonies.

Besides, having indulged in a kind of necrophilia-lite when Terri was merely brain-dead, my fear is that some folks might think I'm flip-flopping if I didn't keep humpin' away now that's she's lung-dead and heart-dead, too.

As such, today I have ordered a murder investigation be launched, with Terri's husband Michael Schiavo as the prime suspect. Because if you ask me, there's nothing quite so suspicious as a man who stands up for his wife's wishes – for fifteen long years – despite overwhelming opposition, vicious ad hominem attacks, and threats of physical violence. Which is why – facts and evidence be damned – we can and will try and convict that powerless, mustachioed nobody through the media, thereby enabling me to ride his sweetheart's corpse bareback – all the way to the 2008 Republican nomination!

(Applause.)

Thank you, and God Bless America.

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