PRESIDENT ADDRESSES SLAVISHLY ADORING SOLDIERS TO PROVE HIS LOVE OF PRO-DEATH, WARRIOR-DISGORGING MILITARY MOMMIES
Remarks by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, thank you. At ease, men. Wow, it's great to be addressing a military audience again.
These days, with my approval ratings cruising around with the Ty-D-Bol Man, you guys are the only crowd left
where I'm 100% guaranteed a warmer welcome than Ron Reagan Jr. on Fire Island.
(Applause.)
So what say we start out with a little pro-Iraq war cheer, fellas? Gimme an M! Gimme an I! Gimme an N! Gimme a C!
Gimme an E! Now gimme another M! And another E! And an A! And a T! What does it spell???!
YOU! (Laughs.)
(Applause, Knowing Laughter.)
Now as you may have heard, word on the boob tube is that I don't respect you boys' mommas enough, on account
of how I've been ignoring that Cindy Sheebop bitch who's been
cramping my style all month.
(Boos.)
Yeah, I know it. She's really spitting in you all's faces by saying how she doesn't want you to get killed
over a lie, isn't she? The gall, right? I must admit though – you gotta give Cindy points for pure determination.
Hell, she's still at it even after
I called in a favor and had my pal Jesus give her momma a stroke!
(Laughter.)
That's why today, I am extra pleased to give that hippy-drippy Big Bird a super-sized "fuck you" by taking two whole minutes to
meet with other mothers instead of her. Because I DO respect them. After all, where else would I get fresh Arab killers
if it weren't for horny young broads extruding them into the waiting talons of predatory military recruiters?
(Applause.)
One of the mothers I met with was this chunky red-haired lady, who's here with us today. Can you stand
up for the cameras, toots? There you go. Looky there. A bona fide mommy. And you know what? She's sent
FIVE boys and a husband over to Iraq – unlike Cindy Sheehan's measly ONE boy. Do the arithmetic.
This broad is like a million percent more momtastic than Cindy could ever dream of being!
And you know what this lady says? She says – and I quote – "I know that if something happens
to one of the boys, they would leave this world doing what they believe, what they think is right for our country.
And I guess you couldn't ask for a better way of life than giving it for something that you believe in."
Now THAT'S what I call motherly love: having the courage to regurgitate whatever fascist death
cult talking points Karl Rove has slipped Sean Hannity that day – then smile vacantly while I slowly
feed her entire family into the meat grinder.
(Applause.)
Mind you, I should state at this juncture that in the event the aforementioned family meets with a
modern-day "Saving Private Ryan" type situation, I will NOT be available for a follow-up
heart-to-heart.
(Applause.)
And there you have it. Military mommy crisis averted. So let's get back to kicking some FREEDOM® ass in Vietraq!
(Applause.)
Thank you, and God Bless America!
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