THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. I wanted to take just a moment today to address recent remarks by America's gleaming pillar of Republican virtuousness – my daddy's chain-smoking Drug Czar, and my very own Slots Czar – Mr. William J. Bennett.

Now it seems that quite a few folks are bristling at Bill's purely academic "thought experiment" to "abort every black baby in this country." Yet despite all the hubbub, Bill still maintains that his remarks were unfairly taken out of context. Which, you have to admit, is kinda correct. Pursuing a policy of neo-natal genocide seems way less worse when delivered alongside the explicit insinuation that darkies commit all the crime in our country – what with their long-established traditions of looting and mugging and selling that really awful cheap cocaine they like so much.

Nonetheless, I have today instructed Scott McClellan to state that Bill's remarks were "not appropriate". Now sure, I understand that all of us sometimes mess up and think before we speak – especially when you're buzzing mad-hard after sucking down four or five Pall Malls outside the radio studio. But in this instance, I'm afraid I have no choice but to take Bill to task – at least publicly.

Get the GODLY New Book!

You see, I am the leader of a party that values and demands consistency in messaging. Every Republican must be a glassy-eyed partisan automaton capable of regurgitating the identical sound bytes at a moment's notice. Yet clearly, Bill has not been reading his daily RNC talking points memo – or even watching Fox News for that matter. If he'd been doing either lately, he would know that our current policy is not to abort all the coloreds. It's to DROWN them! And to suggest otherwise is, I'll say it again, simply "not appropriate".

Furthermore, and for the record, I did call Mr. Bennett earlier today to remind him that we Republicans are also technically opposed to abortions – at least for people who can't afford to whisk their daughters out of the country on private Gulfstream jets.

Now all this said, I must also give Bill props for not caving and issuing an apology. If there's one thing I hope I've successfully communicated during my presidency thus far, it's that apologies are for total pussies.

And once all this blows over in a few months, it will be my pleasure to appoint Bill Bennett as my personal ambassador to the National Urban League.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

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