THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated.

In the past couple of weeks, despite responsible round-the-clock efforts by America's usually detestable news media, Democrats have been recklessly distracting the voting public from the indisputable fact that every last American is about to die an agonizing, phlegmy, pus-splattered death.

(Scattered whimpering.)

Yes, I'm talking about the coming avianic Bird Flu pandemic. And speaking as the only man who can save you and your beloved assets from a threat almost as scary as Allah-loving dirt monkeys plunging 767's into red state bingo halls, I am here today to insist with false gravity that the minority party focus on this here real crisis – and not imaginary problems like gas prices, teeny-tiny ethical oopsies, dwindling retirement security, and thousands of newly hatched soldier-angels.

Yes, Bird Flu, or "Peking Duck Plague" as I call it, is the new AIDS. Like AIDS, this plague was probably the result of some horny third world liberal homo fucking a monkey, or in this case, a chicken, or a turkey, or a pigeon maybe, if you're looking for a nice, tight fit. Unlike AIDS, however, Peking Duck Plague has the potential to be contracted by us normal, God-fearing white guys and our perky, subservient trophy wives who are just scraping by in the top 5% tax bracket.

Get the GODLY New Book!

(Panicked shrieking.)

But fear not, because I will never allow this to happen! Which is why today, I am proud to unveil my inspired two-point plan:

Firstly, I demand that the Senate cease its largely ceremonial huffing and puffing about bills against "torture," then stand at attention and rubber stamp $7 Billion in funds to fight this coming menace. Because unlike Mad Cow, West Nile, SARS, Nukepox, or lung cancer, the Peking Duck Plague is a very real threat, and not merely another spectral boogeyman being shamelessly over-hyped to whip up poll-boosting paranoia prior to next week's election.

(Applause.)

Secondly, I will then stimulate the economy by using said funds to raise the stock prices of the pharmaceutical conglomerates that pump out flu vaccine, flu detection equipment, and entire lines of exorbitantly priced household fluproofing snake oil. This money will also dribble down to companies like Blackwater USA, who will bravely safeguard America's Tudor mansions in the event of plague-induced anarchy, and to Halliburton, who will sign preemptive re-building contracts for whichever American cities are destined to implode.

(Applause.)

So yes, please surrender to subdued pre-election panic – and yet also take small comfort in the thought of me standing here projecting false calm. And accept without question that I am doing my best to appoint old chums from Andover and Yale, and possibly a bunch of lawyers and former business associates, to meddle in the Center for Disease Control's affairs. These people are determined to appear to be on the ball, which means that all you folks need to do is stock up on food, water, armor-piercing ammo, and plenty of off-shore accounts.

In closing, in the face of this certain calamity, I want the country to know that I will not be sidetracked by silly accusations, indictments, secret CIA torture chambers, incompetent judicial nominations, Iraqi civil war, threats of inflation, out of control federal spending, or the inevitable petro-collapse, because I am focused on keeping the message on the script I have already memorized and am comfortable with – "FREEDOM^®! FREEDOM^®! FREEDOM^®!"

In this instance, FREEDOM^® FROM DROWNING IN DEATH SNOT!

(Applause.)

Thank you - and God Bless America!

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