THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, thank you. Gracias whatever.

It's a real pleasure to be here on the airport tarmac of whatever backwater Hispanostan I'm in today, and I want to thank its poor, needy people for being powerless to prevent me from coming. Of course, while I haven't actually seen any Mexipanazuelians from deep inside my spectacularly-fortified security bubble, the Secret Service tells me you all have been so well-behaved, we haven't even needed to kill a single person. (Thumbs up.)

Yet. (Winks.)

At least publicly. (Laughs.)

Seriously though, I hear you've been great. Yes, I've been fully briefed on the huge, joyous crowds of folks celebrating my arrival, first in Bueno Airy for that trade conference thingamjig, and then in those other places with funny names. Thanks for that. Next time though, do me and Laura a favor and hold those rallies in English, OK? Because it's a little hard for accept your pledges of undying subservience to your superior American neighbors when you do it that Spanishese gobbledy-gook. Capiche? (Winks.)

Get the GODLY New Book!

I want to thank the President of Argentinia, Mr. uhhhh... Nestor. Nester… Kirchner. I gave him the nickname "Nester the Molester," on account of how he's a squirrelly little liberal who looks like a Catholic priest. But I gotta tell you – I was expecting all the leaders down here to be Latinozoids, so Nester really surprised me when he turned out to be a regular white fella.

Meeting Nester also got me to thinking: if my grandpappy, Senator Prescott Bush, had joined all of his Nazi Party pals when they retired down here in the 1940's, it would probably be ME who's the President of Argentina today. And maybe Jebber would be President of Austria! Luckily for both those countries, me and my baby brother will be available for new gigs in just a few short years! (Thumbs up.)

Laura and me also had a real good time visiting Bananama and its famous canal. You know, I had forgotten all about how my dad invaded that country, too. He sure did get PO'ed when his formerly obedient puppet dictators crossed him, didn't he? Just think, if popppy had chickened out before snatching Noriega like he did with Saddam, I could have spent the past five years avenging his humiliating sissy failures on TWO continents instead of just one.

And speaking of dictators, I'd like to make a point of specifically NOT mentioning Venezuela's Hugo Chavez. Because he's an evildoer, and a FREEDOM^®-hater who's a threat to American-style liberty. And by that, I mean he's a twice-democratically-elected leftist who not only refuses to bend over and be fiscally sodomized by Texas oil barons, but who insists upon repeatedly making me look helplessly weak and stupid. Thank God the Kerry campaign didn't hire him as a consultant!

Anyway, as I prepare to board my luxury jumbo jet and forget all about any promises I may have made during this trip, let me just say that the food down here has been really great. You can't imagine how hard it is to get a decent iguana chimichanga back in Washington. It's made me feel real nostalgic for my younger days – you know, when you wake up under a cheap Tijuana ceiling fan, still sweating the Mezcal, with a passed-out little Mexi-hottie still drooling on your package. Of course these days, the only Mexi-hotties I get are the runs after I pig out on too many jalapenos! (Laughs.)

Alright, I'm outy already. Later days, and hasto le visto, Cheekos and Chikkas!

(Ducks Into Armored Car as Thousands of Rioting Oreo Cookie Trash People Breach Perimeter and Storm Podium)

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