PROTECTING OUR BORDERS: PRESIDENT ANNOUNCES BILL OF RIGHTS FOR NON-TERRORIST BROWN FOLK SNEAKING INTO THE NATION OF TEXAS
Remarks by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. You know, they say good fences make for good neighbors, but to that I say: hiring your neighbors
to mow your lawn makes them even gooder. That is why I am here today, in the misfit metropolis known
as El Paso, desperately trying to dispel the fears of honest citizens terrified that the ghettoized workforce that keeps
America humming might also be spending its nights in cramped, squalid apartments building nuclear jalapeño bombs
in the bathtub with the help of 234 live-in relatives.
Two whole years ago, in response to terrorism-fueled paranoia about the human tsunami of illegal immigrants
pouring across America's borders, I announced my utterly logical "sombrero loophole"
plan, which gives illegals the green light to take jobs from poor and desperate American citizens, or in today's terms,
the entire hurricane-ravaged Gulf coast. Today, for whatever reason, people are still whining about it.
Which is why, in keeping with my policy of absolutely, positively, never-ever giving an inch on my super-brilliant
ideas, I am pleased today to release differently packaged details of the same exact plan – this time with a
wink.
The wink is code to all you people who think we should dig thousands of miles of barb-wire covered trenches
filled with scorpions – scorpions with THE AIDS. While I don't hate your idea, I would ask you to give my idea
some more thought. Once you do, you'll agree that tagging these Latin Arabs like cattle and tracking them
down whenever it suits us is just as fantastically closed-minded and paranoid as your idea!
So it is with as much pomp and circumstance as Jorge the one-man-mariachi band can muster, I proudly present
the Mexi-Rican Guest Worker Bill Of Rights.
I sincerely hope that you all fall head over heels for my pandering bullshit, much the way the Negros did
for that other Texan President who promised them civil rights. The only difference is unlike Presidential
promises of yesterday, the promises I make today about tomorrow will never come true. This I swear. You may
applaud now.
(Applause.)
Thank you, and hasto le visto, amigoroonis!
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White House Information:
