CONDOLEEZZA RICE: Tomorrow, I will depart for a historic five-day tour across Old Europe. While there, I will say whatever it takes to reverse the tide of virulent America-hating that is rapidly gripping our once-steadfast allies. Specifically, on this issue of so-called "torture" which has everyone so worked up, I am also prepared to deliver denials qualified with semantic parsings that would make even Bill Clinton's penis blush. But before then, in an effort to hopefully convince would-be critics that America's policies and practices are completely beyond reproach, I am today taking the unusual step of releasing a top-secret transcript of a typical ultra-civil Q&A between our super-competent CIA agents and genuine, 100% guilty evildoers. Thank you.

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

CIA OPERATIVE: Remove the hood.

(RUSTLING SOUND)

TERRORIST #456-B: Where am I?

CIA OPERATIVE: Hey buddy! You're someplace super secret, but don't worry. I just want to ask you a couple few questions, 'k?

TERRORIST #456-B: Who are you?

CIA OPERATIVE: Whoa, pardner. You're not here to ask questions, silly goose. I am. But you can call me Bruce. Tea?

TERRORIST #456-B: No, thank you. The last thing I remember, I was sitting down to watch a rerun of "Everybody Loves Mehmet"... and then men burst in and I was hit in the head and then...

CIA OPERATIVE: Howdy and hello! Pork rind?

Get the GODLY New Book!

TERRORIST #456-B: No, thank you.

CIA OPERATIVE: Alrighty then. Let's get started? You are a terrorist.

TERRORIST #456-B: What?

CIA OPERATIVE: You are a terrorist.

TERRORIST #456-B: Is that a question?

CIA OPERATIVE: Cigarette?

TERRORIST #456-B: I don't smoke.

CIA OPERATIVE: Ok, so to continue: you are a terrorist.

TERRORIST #456-B: No, I'm... not.

(A SIZZLE AND A SCREAM OF PAIN)

TERRORIST #456-B: You put your cigarette out on my forehead! Sweet merciful Allah!

CIA OPERATIVE: Let's back up: what's your name?

TERRORIST #456-B: Amal Al-Rahiim

CIA OPERATIVE: Nope. Sorry.

(SPLASHING, FOLLOWED BY GARGLING.)

CIA OPERATIVE: Your name is Terrorist. You are one.

(MORE SPLASHING, FOLLOWED BY MORE GARGLING)

TERRORIST #456-B: Can't... can't breathe... (ANGUISHED COUGHING)

CIA OPERATIVE: Tea?

TERRORIST #456-B: I'm not a terrorist. I don't...don't even know any... I'm a barber...

CIA OPERATIVE: That's not what this form says. This form says that you, terrorist #456-B are Amal Al-Rahmaan, a known terrorist sympathizer.

TERRORIST #456-B: My last name is AL-RAHIIM not AL-RAHMAAN!

CIA OPERATIVE: Huh. Pota-TOE, POE-tato. Arabiac names all sound the same to this small town farm boy. I'm sure it's a typo.

TERRORIST #456-B: What is that? Dear Allah, I thought Americans didn't believe in cruel or inhumane punishments! Torture!

CIA OPERATIVE: This is a sock full of limes. It won't leave bruises. And buddy, Americans believe in results. The bottom line. Besides, this isn't torture, it's just really painful talking. Now, alley-oop!

(A SERIES OF WET THUDS, FOLLOWED BY WEEPING)

CIA OPERATIVE: You are a terrorist.

TERRORIST #456-B: Fine. FINE! I am a terrorist!

CIA OPERATIVE: See? This is easy! And now that you admitted that -- THIS IS FOR NINE ONE ONE AND THE WTC, RAGHEAD!

(WET THUDS, CRIES OF PAIN)

CIA OPERATIVE: Where is the suitcase nuke?

TERRORIST #456-B: The what?

CIA OPERATIVE: You heard me. The nuclear device. Where is it? WHERE IS IT?

TERRORIST #456-B: I don't know what you're talking about.

CIA OPERATIVE: Don't fuck with me Al-Rahmaan!

TERRORIST #456-B: I told you that's not my name!

CIA OPERATIVE: Do you know what a broken nose feels like?

(A CRUNCH AND A YELP)

CIA OPERATIVE: Really stings, huh? Lots of blood. Now repeat after me: I am Amal Al-Rahmaan, terrorist. Say it. Say it or I go for the cheek bones.

TERRORIST #456-B: I...I...I am Amal Al-Rahmaan. Terrorist.

CIA OPERATIVE: And where is the nuke?

TERRORIST #456-B: I don't know, where is it?

CIA OPERATIVE: Is it in New York? Washington DC?

TERRORIST #456-B: Uh... yes!

CIA OPERATIVE: Jesus Lord, I knew it. I knew it. Is it a dirty bomb? Or a fully operative nuke?

TERRORIST #456-B: Yes, yes!

CIA OPERATIVE: You're holding back on me. Tell me all you know, or I swear, you'll be swallowing your teeth next!

TERRORIST #456-B: Well, I don't know. There's a nuke and I'm a terrorist? I'm a terrorist and I'm going to nuke you, nuke you all? With nuclear bombs?

CIA OPERATIVE: I hate to do this, you sniveling coward. But I'm going to break your toes with this hammer.

TERRORIST #456-B: Don't break my toes with that hammer. Please.

CIA OPERATIVE: Then what is the plan? TELL ME! THE CLOCK IS TICKING!

(FURIOUS HAMMERING AND INCONSOLABLE BELLOWING)

TERRORIST #456-B: Well, my terrorist friends and I, we're smuggling a nuclear bomb...filled with anthrax...into the United States inside a...

CIA OPERATIVE: Yes? Inside what? A container? A shipping container?

TERRORIST #456-B: How did you know?

CIA OPERATIVE: What else?

TERRORIST #456-B: That's it.

CIA OPERATIVE: Are you sure?

TERRORIST #456-B: Yes.

CIA OPERATIVE: Super-duper sure?

TERRORIST #456-B: That's all I know.

CIA OPERATIVE: I'm still going to rip your fingernails off.

TERRORIST #456-B: Why? WHY?

CIA OPERATIVE: Then stuff you in a cell where you can't pray, or talk to anyone and if you think you can starve yourself, just wait until we shove a tube up your nose and pump liquified bacon bits product directly into your stomach.

TERRORIST #456-B: Why don't you just kill me? KILL ME!

CIA OPERATIVE: Please. We're Americans. That would be barbaric.

(HIGH-PITCH WHINE OF A DRILL)

Now open wide!

[END TRANSCRIPT]

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