PRESIDENT'S REMARKS TO NATIONAL COAL MINER WIVES ASSOCIATION ANNOUNCING COMPASSIONATE NEW SURVIVOR BENEFITS
Remarks by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. I can't tell you what an honor it is to be here
with you wonderful ladies of the Coal Miner's Wives Association.
Now I hear that the number of widows in your ranks has been swelling faster than William Shatner's face,
and that's a darned shame. But I want to tell you what's even more of a darned shame. It's a darned
shame when vicious opportunists exploit the recent deaths down here to point out how my
administration spent the past five years slashing all those Clinton-era mining safety regulations
at the behest of the coal companies that have bankrolled my entire political career. And it's a
darned shame when they imply that us Petrochemical CEO types don't care about you coal folks here
in Appalachia and elsewhere. (Sniffs. Dabs tear from eye.)
Well I want to assure you that we DO care. After all, these mining towns are the last places in America
where everyone's so piss-poor and ignorant, we can pay your husbands even less than a
one-armed Calcutta retard. Which is why until the happy day comes when robots will make it possible to
lay them all off, we of the Energy Plutocracy want your husbands to live long and extremely
productive mole people lives, meeting (and exceeding!) their production quotas each and every day.
Then after thirty or forty years of back-breaking labor, they can retire in trailer park comfort,
and die naturally on the surface of some non-work-related malady like Black Lung and/or emphysema
which is not covered by insurance.
I know the recent mine tragedies have been difficult, ladies, but please, I want you to take some small
consolation when I call the victims "heroes" – because whenever any poor working schlub dies a
senseless and totally preventable death on my watch, that's what I call them. And then it becomes
instantly distasteful to tarnish their heroism by asking inconvenient questions, and before you
know it, the Franklin Mint has put out a lovely $200 commemorative plate that firmly establishes
the spin as historical fact.
In closing, I know that some still doubt that my administration will provide for
mining families. Which is why today, in addition to allocating funds for replacing antiquated
canary-based mine safety systems with caged Mexicans who shout "VAMANOS!", I am also super-proud
to announce the most aggressively generous survivor benefits
program in the history of Compassionate Conservatism.
Thank you, and God Bless Coal-Producing America!
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White House Information:
