THE PRESIDENT: Are you there, Allah? It's me, George – Jesus' best bud. He's probably told you all about me, Mr. Baba. Now I know you and your 40 thieves probably can't hear me, on account of you're just a low-rent, make-pretend knockoff of the other, way-more-believable invisible fellow who lives in the clouds, but since Jesus cancelled our usual 1:30 today on account of he's tied up with His new roof-collapsing hobby, I thought I might give you a shout.

Now I'm not really sure how folks go about praying to you, but I'm telling you right now: I ain't going to get on some dirty floor mat, bow down and stick my inviting butt hole way up in the air. Not with Scotty McClellan and his pal Jeff Gannon lurking around here! But I did find this little brass oil lamp upstairs in Jenna's tapestry nook, and I thought that... maybe...

[Rubs lamp.]

...if I just...

[Flash of Light & Sonic Boom & Poof of Thick, White Smoke]

Get the GODLY New Book!

Hello? Who's there? Who is that?

MOOHAMMED: SILENCE, YOU STUPID INFIDEL!

THE PRESIDENT: Mom?

MOOHAMMED: I SAID "SILENCE!"

THE PRESIDENT: Whoa. Are you, like, Allah?

MOOHAMMED: NO! I AM THE PROPHET MOOHAMMED! DEATH TO YOU AND PEACE BE UPON ME!

THE PRESIDENT: And also upon me.

MOOHAMMED: SILENCE! HOW DARE YOU SPEAK THUSLY, INSOLENT SWINE!

THE PRESIDENT: Aw jeez – I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I should have known better. Jesus gets awful pissy too when folks don't get all star-struck and moony-eyed when he's around. And since you two dudes are, you know, major competition and all in the tax-free salvation industry – I guess it stands to reason that you'd think your turds are Hershey Kisses, too.

MOOHAMMED: ENOUGH! NOW FOR WHAT PURPOSE HAVE YOU INTERRUPTED MY ETERNAL AFTERLIFE SNUGGLINGS WITH MY ALMOST-PUBESCENT WIVES?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, you see, I was wondering if you'd heard anything about this hubbub over the drawings of you in the funny pages? Over in Denmark?

MOOHAMMED: OF COURSE! I KNEW OF THESE CARTOONS EVEN BEFORE THEY APPEARED IN THE IMAGINATIONS OF THOSE WHO DREW THEM!

THE PRESIDENT: No shit? How?

MOOHAMMED: I AM ALLAH'S MESSENGER! GOD SPEAKS TO ME AND TELLS ME ALL!

THE PRESIDENT: No way. You mean out loud? And He gets specific like that with you? When He talks to me, it's usually just, you know, like in my own voice inside my head, and there's never any details or nothing. He's usually just all, "Do whatever feels good, G-Dubya! You wanna bomb some A-rab shithole? Go for it. Hey – there might even be some WMDs over there."

MOOHAMMED: WHAT IS YOUR POINT? SPEAK NOW OR– (Coughs. Hacks. Coughs Some More.)

Yeesh. I think I'm giving myself laryngitis here. Mind if I drop the screaming mimi schtick for awhile?

THE PRESIDENT: Sure thing. You want a Fisherman's Friend^®?

MOOHAMMED: No, thanks.

THE PRESIDENT: Cool. Anyway, your followers are going pretty apeshit over these cartoons, huh? Like, torching buildings and wanting to chop peoples' heads off.

MOOHAMMED: Yeah. And?

THE PRESIDENT: Well I just want to be sure you know that I told the State Department to say that America is opposed to those cartoons. Because if the past four years have taught me anything, it's that some of your followers are crazy-assed motherfuckers who just will not quit. And to be honest with you, they're starting to really scare the shit out of me. So much so that it's getting, like, all ironical that I call them the "FREEDOM^®-Haters" – and yet here I am, totally kowtowing to them and calling for the curtailing of actual freedom.

MOOHAMMED: (Laughs.) Yes, this is plain to see.

THE PRESIDENT: And well, it's just that, even though my religion tells me quite clearly that all your followers are going to burn in Hell, that hasn't stopped me from going through the motions of tolerance. Heck, I've even been doing those Ishtar Dinners every year – and I hate sheep eyes casserole!

MOOHAMMED: We too take perverse pleasure in the thought of your Christians souls writhing in eternal agony.

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, well I guess we'll see who's right. But in the meantime, I thought maybe it would be nice if this cartoon stuff didn't escalate into another World War – especially since I've already stretched America's military so dangerously paper-thin and all.

MOOHAMMED: Indeed you have. (Laughs.)

THE PRESIDENT: So... got any advice on how to calm your people down?

MOOHAMMED: Look, every religious cult has its terrorist lunatic fringe. You Christians have Operation Rescue, The 700 Club and the GOP, Scientologists have Tom Cruise, and I have a bunch of bipolar, unemployed illiterates with rage issues who just happen to be handy with plastique. They don't represent the majority. Well, not by much. But hey, if your religion can't afford a marketing budget or five entire satellite TV networks, you take whatever free PR you can get, right?

THE PRESIDENT: I guess. So you mean these chanting crazies are like your "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth"? You can't really condone their tactics, so you just sit back and reap the benefits?

MOOHAMMED: Exactly.

THE PRESIDENT: Well I can certainly appreciate that. (Winks.)

I guess we should both be kinda thankful that when liberals invented political correctness to criminalize "hurt feelings," they inadvertently gave birth to the absurdist notion that ridiculing the intolerance and knee-jerk hysteria of violent extremists is "offensive."

MOOHAMMED: (Thumbs Up.) When everyone is an innocent victim, no one is a guilty perpetrator.

THE PRESIDENT: Alright. Then I guess I'll just try to see this thing through by espousing the cheap cop-out that cracking jokes about ANY religion – even an hysterically crazy one like yours – is not a right. If nothing else, that takes my country one step closer to becoming the same kind of loonybird theocracy that your fringe terror monkeys want.

One thing though...

MOOHAMMED: Yes?

THE PRESIDENT: If this cartoon shit really does hit the fan, America will have to support the Danishes.

MOOHAMMED: Why is that? They don't even have any oil.

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, but they have something that guys like me value way more than mere money: BLUE EYES.

MOOHAMMED: Fair enough. Farewell, Infidel. [Crosses Arms, Bobs Head & Blinks]

[Flash of Light & Sonic Boom & Poof of White Smoke]

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