THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. I'd like to take a minute out of my busy schedule of cowering in the Oval Office, staring slack-jawed at the unfolding China Syndrome that is my approval rating, and talk about my totally brilliant idea of outsourcing American's most vulnerable points of entry to the cheapest contractor: a little outfit called "Dubai Ports."

Now I am shocked, just SHOCKED, that everybody is acting like by announcing this sale, I done just gave the country a rattlesnake colonic. It's as if I've spent the last five years making America paranoid of brown-skinned folks wearing do-rags on their heads. Look, there are BAD Arabs, and there are LESS-BAD Arabs, just like there are SHIFTY Puerto Ricans, and LESS-SHIFTY Puerto Ricans. And the United Arab Emirates is a bunch of LESS-BAD Arabs that need our business or else. Let's forget that their little coastal paradise is home to just a couple few of those terrorists who did that thing in the far away country of New York City, and that organizations there sympathize and launder the money of terrorists who are busy trying to turn Iraq into some kind of broken, bullet-ridden ghetto like Camden, New Jersey.

Let's forget all that and talk brass tacks: when I say turn the irrational fear, paranoia, and xenophobia towards Mooooooslims off, I mean it. Like, NOW.

Look, America loves a sale. There is nothing more American than paying the least amount of money for very basic services, like a McRib from McDonalds. It's barely a couple of bucks, yet it tastes just like pig, if pigs were all boneless and jiggly like Jell-O. Dubai Ports offered to watch over six major American ports and they offered to do it cheaper than, say, American companies that don't really need the business because our economy is strong. One might say super-strong, if one were an executive heavily invested in UAE stocks enjoying the spoils of his or his recent year-end bonus.

And fine, a couple few talking heads have, over the years, suggested that America's ports are the most likely points of entry for weapons of mass destruction. But hey, if there's one thing I've proved during my presidency, it's that there are never any WMDs where folks think they're gonna be!

As for security, let me point out that the companies that run these ports are not in charge of policing the tankers and containers. That is the responsibility of the Coast Guard. Like FEMA, The Coast Guard is now part of the Dept. Of Homeland Security, and judging from the job that glorious bureaucracy did overseeing the Hurricane Katrina natural disaster, I can safely say we have nothing to worry about.

I do love fucking with the heads of politically correct Democrats who love to be seen on camera feeling the pain of Arab folk. And like blacks and Hispanics, that pain is sincere, honest, and lasts as long as it takes to cut to commercial. So now the color-blind Democrats are spittin' mad about me selling ports to filthy sand negro terrorists? I must say, it's kind of refreshing to see sensitive Senator Charles Schumer finally go on record as the raghead-hating Jewboy I just knew he was on the inside. Maybe I'm projecting. Or not! (Laughs.)

I assure you that a secret cabal of Republican powerbrokers vetted Dubai Ports. This process was as close to legal without being legal as it gets, and while we may make some nobody sub-cabinet official fall on his sword over this deal, I promise you that if any nukes go off, they'll go off in one of the liberal Sodom and Gommorahs of the Northeast or La-La Angeles – or maybe even New Orleans. And hooboy, that shithole could sure use a new paint job.

So in short, don't nobody need to worry none about no ports. Just, like, trust me on that. Because when have I ever been wrong or blatantly lied to you? (Winks.)

Thank you, and God Bless the United Arab Emirat– er, United States of America.

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