MYTH vs. REALITY: Dispelling the Shameless Pre-Election Lies of the Defamatory Liberal Spin Machine

DEFAMATORY LIBERAL “SPIN”: Representative Mark Foley routinely sent young House pages e-mail and text messages so lurid and deviant, they make the Starr Report look like an episode of Leave it to Beaver. As a vocal proponent of Bill Clinton’s impeachment, Foley is the consummate embodiment of Republican moral and sexual hypocrisy.
CONSERVATIVE REALITY: Democrat Mark Foley is the embodiment of the inherently pedophilic nature of homosexuality: the official sex orientation of liberals. A vote for Democrats is a vote for having swishy middle-aged men in purple silk ties cast your innocent blue-eyed offspring in man-on-toddler bukkake videos.

DEFAMATORY LIBERAL “SPIN”: Texas Representative Tom Delay resigned his House Leader post as a tacit admission of guilt following his indictment in a money laundering scheme so reprehensible and large in scope, it made Tony Montoya’s coke empire look like a Chic Filet franchise.
CONSERVATIVE REALITY: Delay has long been the target of hack prosecutor Ronnie Earl, a liberal so off the hinges partisan and deranged that he one time investigated himself for corruption. Delay, of course, simply wanted to spend more time with his family – his family of Cohiba puffing, back-slapping lobbyists.

DEFAMATORY LIBERAL “SPIN”: Super-lobbyist and Bush/Cheney Pioneer Jack Abramoff defrauded Indian (feather, not dot) tribes and bribed countless public officials, while enjoying regular VIP access to the White House. Circumstantial evidence also strongly suggests his involvement in the Cosa Nostra-style murder of SunCruz Casinos owner Konstantinos Boulis, a competitor of Abramoff’s clients.
CONSERVATIVE REALITY: Jack Abramoff is the victim of an anti-Semitic smear campaign spearheaded by the Jew-controlled media who, in a rancorous fit of self-hatred common to the Jewistic religion, is punishing one of its own for violating the sacred Protocols of the Elders of Zion, by partaking in goyish sports like golf with his white Christians friends. Abromoff also felt like he needed to spend more time with his family.

DEFAMATORY LIBERAL “SPIN”: Connecticut Governor John Rowland pleaded guilty to accepting $15,000 in bribes and repairs to his Bantem lake house in exchange for granting no-bid contracts to the state’s largest construction firm. Rowland also misappropriated over $40,000 from state coffers to pay his wife to write a children’s book about a mansion-dwelling Republican mouse, and stands accused of a laundry list of corruption charges longer than one of Rush Limbaugh’s Walgreens receipts.
CONSERVATIVE REALITY: Purely out of a selfless loyalty to their state’s heritage, certain construction contractors restored and beautified the Governor’s slightly decaying vacation home – a structure automatically rendered super-historically-significant by pure virtue of the identity of its owner, and its likely future conversion into a Presidential museum. By the same token, other wholly justified pro-bono efforts were made to preserve Rowland’s dry cleaning, cuticles, and the transmission of his 2003 Cadillac Escalade. As regards the resignation, Rowland desired to spend more time with his family.

DEFAMATORY LIBERAL “SPIN”: Former Representative Randy “Duke” Cunningham, the most bribed politician in history, handed out millions of dollars in military contracts while he served on the Arms Services Committee – stuffing his jowly gullet with almost 3 million dollars in the blood money of slaughtered American soldiers.
CONSERVATIVE REALITY: Cunningham’s trademark process for evaluating the appropriate dispensation of government contracts served as a fine demonstration of unshackled vigor of the invisible hand of the free market. Unfortunately, Duke’s hand was rendered visible due to having been splattered with the scarlet-red metaphorical blood of dead American GIs. Also, he wanted to spend more time with his family.

DEFAMATORY LIBERAL “SPIN”: I. Lewis “Scooter Libby”, Chief of Staff to Vice President Dick Cheney, was indicted on charges of obstruction of justice in the Valerie Plame Affair, and resigned his post in disgrace.
CONSERVATIVE REALITY: Mr. Libby wanted to spend more time with his family. And going to church. And NASCAR races. And Toby Keith concerts… with his family.