President Bush Responds to His Father's Gloomy, Dementia-Ravaged Election Predictions

THE PRESIDENT: "Yesterday, my dear old Poppy told the press how he hates to think what my life will be like if the Democrats retake Congress. Now, I love my dad. I think of him all the time, up in Kennebunkport parked in front of the old Sylvania, wearing nothing but fuzzy slippers and pissy Depends, tossing barbecue pork rinds at the screen every time he sees a liberal or a nigra. So let me just say on the record, "He shouldn't be speculating like this, because – he should have called me ahead of time and I'd tell him they're not going to."

Off the record though, I called mom, and she promised that if dad manages to untie himself and talk to Bob Woodward or anyone else in the press again, she'll fill an old gym sock with limes, and give that senile old wussy a bruise-free beat-down he won't forget!