Transcript of the President's Poetic, Confidence-Inspiring Stump Speech on Behalf of Congressional Republicans

I want to thank [LOCAL POLITICAL BOSS WHO’S REALLY JUST A: SLUM LORD IN FANCY SUIT / CLOSETED PREACHER DRENCHED IN COLOGNE / CORRUPT MAYOR WHO DREAMS OF MAKING THE GOVERNORSHIP BUT WON’T EVEN MAKE IT TO STATE LEGISLATURE / JEW BANKER WHO ISN’T A JEW BUT TOTALLY ACTS LIKE ONE] for inviting me here to [NAME OF STATE] to speak to all of you [COMATOSE ELDERLY SPITTING UP FRUIT COCKTAIL / CHIRPY REPUBLICANS CHOPPERED IN FROM ANOTHER STATE / McJESUS ZOMBIES / SMUG MIDDLE-AGED MEN WHO MASTURBATE TO WAR STORIES WITH OLIVER NORTH BECAUSE THEIR NAGGING MUU-MUU-SWADDLED WIVES WON’T POLISH KNOB – LET ALONE SWALLOW.]

(Applause, Pumping Fists.)

When I was told [ANY OF THE ABOVE] wanted me to come down and say a few words about [CONGRESSPERSON], I thought, “Yee-ha! I can’t wait to get to [NAME OF STATE] and smell the [LOCAL LIVESTOCK / STATE FLOWER / MUSK OF THE FOLK] and taste that famous [LOCAL FRIED FOOD / BAKED PIE / CASSEROLE.]

(Rapturous Swooning.)

Mmmm, MMMMMM.

Let me say, it is my esteemed pleasure to show up and shut your entire, meaningless [TOWN / CITY / SOULLESS EXURB GULAG WHERE KFC, WENDY’S, AND BURGER KING ROLL BY EVERY THREE MILES, ONLY INTERRUPTED BY STAPLES, WAL-MART, HOME DEPOT OR DESPERATE ACTS OF MASS KILLING] down with my awesome motorcade. I haven’t seen [CONGRESSPERSON] since that [GOLF TOURNAMENT / PRAYER BREAKFAST / LAST BACKDOOR MEETING WHERE HOUSE REPUBLICANS PLAYED NAKED TWISTER WITH FORTUNE MAGAZINE’S “HOTTEST SLUTTY K-STREET INTERNS”] and I just want you all to know: [HE / HE] is a proud patriot, a good [MAN / MAN], a great [FATHER / FATHER], a brave [VETERAN / MINDLESS, DOE-EYED WAR CHEERLEADER] and a great American.

(Deafening Screams.)

So I say: vote [CONGRESSPERSON] this November 7th! And I’m not asking; that’s an order.

[WAIT FOR LAUGHTER]

Seriously, that’s an order. I’m President of the United States – and that’s like king, only not all faggot-happy with a beauty queen tiara and shit. King, as in, I’m in charge and if you don’t like that FUCK YERSELF IN YER TWAT WITH A STUFFED AND MOUNTED PORCUPINE.

[WINK]

[WAIT FOR MASS SPASMS OF TEAR-INDUCING LAUGHING THAT SOUNDS LIKE LOOSE FECES AND GOLD POINS SHAKING INSIDE A PIGGY BANK]

Now, I don’t want to get into the “issues.” There is no “truth” in the “issues.” There is only one “truth,” and that is either you’re for good, or for evil. Either you’re for the GOP, or for the Islamofacists. “Issues” are just a distraction from the real issue. Can I look into a man’s soul and see that he’s got the right stuff? Does [CONGRESSPERSON] have the right stuff? Would I be here today, if [HE / HE] didn’t? Think about that. If [HE / HE] weren’t the kind of guy deaf to [HIS / HIS] own conscience, loyal to the Dollar Bill of Rights, and an utter, corrupt lizard parrot then I wouldn’t be here trying to save my ass from being impeached. Man, I’m crossing my fingers these days just hoping that the worse that happens is History shits on my grave. If that’s the best, then I’m taking you fuckers with me. That’s a joke.

[WAIT FOR THE SOUND OF SWEATING, TINY DEWDROPS OF URINE SOAKING INTO COTTON UNDERWEAR]

Well, that’s all I got to say… extemporaneously at least. Mr. President gots to scoot! I want to thank [PITHY NICKNAME] again for having me. I sure do love [NAME OF STATE]. Don’t forget to vote [CONGRESSPERSON] in November – because there’s a micro-fart’s difference between a lame duck and a cooked goose. Got it?

And now, I’m off to deliver this same speech twenty more times today, and repeating it tomorrow.

Thank you, and God Bless America and [NAME OF STATE].