President Bush Proudly Appoints Dr. Eric Keroack as Deputy Assistant Secretary of Wayward Vagina Containment

(Applause.)

Now some whiny baby-haters – the same fetus-filleters who think that the only point of making Sperm-n-Egg Soup is to inject it into human massage chair Michael J. Fox – have already raised a patchouli-scented stink about my choice of Mr. Keroack to control his office's $283 million annual budget. They think that just because Mr. Keroack has made it his life mission to assert that contraception is "demeaning to women, degrading of human sexuality, and adverse to human health and happiness", he shouldn't be the fella in charge of providing young whores with the birth control and abortions they need to keep slutting it up all over the place.

(Applause.)

If you can believe it, some are implying that I'm just appointing another Christo-Taliban closet perv-job to a position where he can officially give the shaft (Snorts) to all the bow-legged, gaping-vag'ed liberal cockaholics who wouldn't need his office's services if they hadn't been given the shaft in the first place. They think I'm just rebelling against the election results from earlier this month and making any show of my untouchable, omnipotent power that I can just to prove I'm still in charge. They think I'm just being petty and finding any way I can to screw the people who personally hate me (and by extension, Jesus, Uncle Sam, and every one of our troops), rather than trying to work with the new, totally baffling Democratic majority.

Well think again, genius... geniuseses? Geniusi? Genioos? What's the plural there? Anyway, think again! If you'll shut your complain-holes for just a minute, you'll see that actually, my appointment of Eric Keroack is my way of showing just how much I was listening to the (shudder) will of the people this election!

(Applause.)

See, I heard the people say they wanted a change of strategy in Iraq. Well that's just what I'm giving them! Rumsfeld is out, Keroack is in! Democrats have been whining about needing more troops in Iraq since day one, and now I've put a guy in a position to do something about it! Eric Keroack is committed to making sure our nation's ladies stay where they belong: knocked-up and in the stirrups – popping out A-Rab killers like the human bags of Orville Reddenbacher they are!

(Applause.)

See, I'm a man of vision, people. I'm looking ahead. I'm looking to eighteen years from now, when all the so-called "unwanted" pregnancies that are forced to be carried to term by Mr. Keroack's policies will be able to participate in our nation's continuing effort to extricate itself from the wonderful non-quagmire I had the vision to cause in order for there to be something for them to participate in! And as for all those low income teen mothers who die giving birth because there are no other options available to them, they will be the greatest heroes of all.

So come on, Democrats! Start humping like the filthy non-pedophilic perverts you are, safe in the knowledge that when your little uterus surfers come to term, George W. Bush and his pal Eric Keroack will be there to cut the cord!

Thank you, and may God Bless America!