Get it? I'm slyly implying that my 2004 opponent, who was wounded in combat here three times, is really a total PUSSY! (Laughs, Slaps Knee Furiously.)
(Silence.)
Yeesh. Anyway, the last time I wore a get-up like this, I was in the Skull & Bones crypt using some dweeby pledge's ass for batting practice. (Thumbs Up.)
Wow, after everything my poppy went through to get me out of coming here back in the 60's, it's weird to actually be here. And I gotta tell you, I've been real surprised by how nice it is – and safe, too. Real good argument for Communism, know what I mean? Why, not even once since I've holed up in my five-star executive suite have I felt the need to dig a foxhole or riddle a defenseless old lady with hundreds of M-16 rounds. Which reminds me – if that Hanoi Hilton is even half as nice as the Hanoi Sheraton I'm staying in, John McCain had better stop whining and blubbering about the five years he got to lounge around there, or next time I see him I'm gonna smack him upside that big doughy head!
You know, Vietnam is a remarkable country. Like so much of Asia, it is filled with nimble-fingered pre-teen seamstresses and sinewy dog-munching worker drones willing to toil 100 hours per week for American corporations in exchange for mere pennies on the dollar. Which, honestly, is the main reason I'm here today. Because in my role as an affably clueless tool of imperialistic capitalism, I can ramble about FREEDOM® for a solid hour in my inaugural address, but I can also flip FREEDOM® the bird just as soon as any Chinky-flavored Communist regime gets corrupt enough to sell its people into "free trade" corporate servitude.
(Applause.)
Yes, it sure is pretty here. And if it weren't for all the elderly amputees teetering in the streets on bamboo crutches, you'd hardly believe that America dropped more bombs on this teensy-weensy toothpick of a country than it did across the whole of Europe and Asia throughout World War II. By killing around four million Vietnameses, Uncle Sam basically gave these suckers their own 9/11TM – every three days… for ten years. Man, how kick-ass is that? And folks wonder why me and Dick Cheney still invite Henry Kissinger over to reminisce about the good old days? We've only killed a measly few hundred thousand Iraqazoids, so it helps us stay motivated to live vicariously through Dr. Kissinger's mega-epic slaughter.
Speaking of Iraq, folks keep comparing my current war there with the Vietnam war. And they've been asking if I can draw any lessons from the Vietnam war. Well sure, that's easy: we'll succeed unless we quit! The truth is, we were just warming up and had just STARTED killin’.
Aren't I a diplomatic genius? I'm actually standing in the country that whooped America but good for initiating a vicious war – one which I skipped out on – and yet I still have enough hick hubris to suggest we should have kept going. Should have kept using napalm, kept using white phosphorous, kept using the WMD "Agent Orange." Boy-Howdy, it's a good thing these commie zipperheads are so desperate for American greenbacks, or they just might pour a bucket of scorpions in my BVDs and toss me in a tiger cage for a decade or two. (Winks.)
But I will say what I need to say. Because yes, in some ways, Iraq IS like Vietnam. It is the embodiment of an invisible super-scary boogeyman that will totally disembowel America's blue-eyed toddlers. It is an exercise in patriotic mass bloodletting that must NEVER be questioned. It is a brilliantly planned real-life game of RISK conceived from the "Red Scare" paranoid wet dreams of Florsheim-wearing Neocons. And just as the hawks of the 1960's guaranteed total planetary chaos if Vietnam went Communist, so too will the entire Earth erupt in flames if America accepts it has already lost in Iraq.
The one thing I remember from my Yale history degree is an old expression: "Those who do not remember history, are doomed to repeat the midterm until they can pull off a gentleman's 'C'" – or some shit like that. And so let us remember history, because if we don't, who knows what unspeakable horrors could ensue. Worst case scenario, history repeats itself, and one day, 32 years from now, my daughter Jenna will travel to Baghdad to preside over a ribbon-cutting ceremony for Iraq's 500th Hooters restaurant. And on that day, the Communists AND the terrorists will have won.
In closing, let me just say that I am thankful for the timing on this trip. Now that I'm a totally lame duck, I can safely appease America's former enemy while meekly standing in front of gilded Ho Chi Minh statues, and not give a fuck if the super-loony-tunes Vietnam vets back home start calling me "Hanoi George." Besides, half of those nutjobs already appeared in the "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth" ads, so they're pretty much useless to me now.
Thank you, and may God Bless America and her seemingly endless succession of wars.
Alrighty – now anyone know where I can find that long-haired hottie who goes "Me so horny! Me so horny!" (Laughs.)
White House Information:
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, thank you. It's my pleasure to be at the 14th Asia-Pacific Economic Conference, here in strange and exotic Vietnam. It's just as I remembered it being, when I last watched Apocalypse Now. In honor of your people's anciently gay custom, I am wearing a flowing robe. And according to my custom, I am totally freeballing. 
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