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December 12, 2006 |

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THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS: Mrs. Betty Bowers, Spiritual Advisor to the President, Reports From the Front Lines
Dear Soldiers for the Baby Jesus:
Once again, pagan combatants, wielding verbal grenades made of non-specific cheer, are on a militant rampage to retake the Winter Solstice, a holiday invaded and occupied by Christians over 1,700 years ago. Friends, we stole December fair and square – and are going to stay the coarse ones in turning a season devoted to love and joy into an vitriolic turf war all about us!