| DEPARTMENT: |
WHAT WE WILL ACCOMPLISH: |
2004 BUDGET: |
| Dept. of Agriculture |
Render America's tractors, grain silos, and livestock insemination systems wholly impervious to sabotage by TERRORISTS. |
$72.8 billion
(+.007%) |
| Dept. of Commerce |
Sweeping initiatives to safeguard American barcode scanners, cash registers, and Wal-Mart patio furniture inventories from the scourge of TERRORISM. |
$5.8 billion
(+21%) |
| Dept. of Defense |
Realize a breathtaking increase in contracts awarded to defense industry facilities located in the home districts of Congressional Republicans, thereby ensuring an ever-expanding weapons stockpile for use in the never-ending war against invisible TERRORISTS. |
$358.2 billion
(+15,892%) |
| Dept. of Education |
Protect America's parochial school students from the insidious dangers of TERRORISM, evolution mysticism, TERROR, affirmative action, secularism, and/or TERRORISTS. |
$59.5 billion
(+31%) |
| Dept. of Energy |
Expand the capacity of U.S. petrochemical conglomerates and their stockholders to profit from oil any time and anywhere without suffering market devaluation due to TERRORISM. |
$19.8 billion
(+92%) |
| Dept. of Faith |
Aggressively liberate the imprisoned Christ-worshipper trapped within EVERY American through new technological processes specially developed to combat TERRORISM. |
$3.2 trillion
(+15,892%) |
| Dept. of Health |
Establish an impeneterably healthy buffer zone between Americans and TERRORISM in the form of heavily fortified insurance company profit margins. |
$502 billion
(+29%) |
| Dept. of Homeland Security |
Transform the United States into an impeneterable bunker through the ambitious expansion of color-coded alert systems and breathless warnings of imminent TERRORISM. |
$28.2 billion
(+5,423%) |
| Dept. of Housing |
Implementation of advanced video surveillance/facial recognition technologies throughout urban low-income housing - the traditional breeding grounds of TERRORISM. |
$38.0 billion
(+41%) |
| Dept. of Interior |
Systematic deforestation of of vast tracts of domestic woodland widely known to provide camouflage and safe haven for TERRORISTS. |
$10.4 billion
(-11%) |
| Dept. of Justice |
Advance the global fight against persecution of Americans through comprehensive registration and/or detention of all brownie Arabiac Muslamoid TERRORISTS. |
$22.2 billion
(+53%) |
| Dept. of Transportation |
Nationwide rollout of Foreign Car Buyer Database, coupled with exponential increases in roadside strip-searches of immigrants, leftists, and other TERRORISTS. |
$52.3 billion
(+1%) |
| Dept. of Treasury |
Completion of covert program using plastic "anti-counterfeiting" global positioning tracking strips in US currency to electronically monitor all cash transactions - the overwhelming majority of which are conducted by TERRORISTS. |
$11.1 billion
(+71%) |
| Dept. of Veterans Affairs |
Indoctrination of America's rapidly-aging population of war-ravaged veterans into the righteous belief system which mainstains that the VA's traditional socialistic benefits and medical care are simply different incarnations of TERRORISM. |
$56.9 billion
(-71%) |
| EPA |
Implementation of Clear Skies Initiatives, Accellerated relaxation of sewage treatment standards and limits on drinking water arsenic levels - thereby toughening up America's collective digestive system and making us more resistant to TERRORISM. |
$8 billion
(-62%) |
| Medicare/Medicaid |
Ensure that wealthy senior citizens can continue to receive their expensive, life-extending medications without actually having to rub elbows with the rest of the dying population. Charge remaining senior citizens nominal charge for all the free aspirin trial packs they can gum before getting murdered by TERRORISTS. |
$2.1 billion
(-91%) |
| NASA |
Realign America's space program away from girlish, disaster-prone science and towards the rapid development of the super-smart orbiting raybeams and missile shooter-downers required to render us immune to TERRORISM. |
$14.6 billion
(-21%) |
| National Endowment for the Arts |
Aggressively seek out America's overeducated artistic elite, ask them to submit proposals for grants that can explore multiculturalism, political correctness, patriarchal power structures, and the horror of war. Arrest them en masse, ship to Camp X-Ray, and prosecute them as TERRORISTS. |
$120,000
(-98%) |
| National Science Foundation |
Quantum microscopic leaps forward in the development of personal rocket packs, hydrogen-fueled SUVs, and the technological underpinnings of the Strategic Continental Cloaking Initiative - capable of making all of North America invisible to TERRORISTS. |
$4.9 billion
(-33%) |
| Small Business Administration |
Continue convincing entrepreneurs that they share the same tax burden and have anything in common with multi-billion dollar corporations, further obscuring the fact that Mom and Pop will eventually foot all tax bills while GOP CEO-buddies selflessly provide golf caddy jobs to the same military reservists who keep us safe from TERRORISM. |
$1.6 billion
(+12%) |
| Social Security Administration |
Sell to Citibank, thereby successfully transforming Franklin Roosevelt's socialist abortion into a red-blooded pillar of privatization and reaffirming America's faith in the non-crooked stock market, and clearing the way to transform eldercare community centers into anti-TERRORISM Soylent Green factories. |
N/A
(0%) |
White House Information:
